A New Year, and a Continued Plethora of Nonsense

- Why is it still called a glove compartment?  Has anyone actually ever put gloves in there?   And if so, you're weird and I don't want to be in the car with you anyway.  Naming it the car manual/chapstick/crumpled  napkins compartment would be more fitting.

-  Considering I hit "No" 99% of the time for “Would You Like A Car Wash” when pumping gas, I wonder how surprised the gas machine is when I do actually hit yes. Sometimes I'm almost expecting some sort of sarcastic message to display, like "Are you serious? Do you really want one or did you just hit the wrong button just to tease me?”

- I always laugh when HuHot brings out menus. Why even have a menu?  The cranky car wash button and the world-hates-me HuHot menu guys should hang out.

-  Ok, so speaking of car washes, I've never been to a car wash where the Code Entry system volume wasn't overly loud. Yes, I know that my car wash package INCLUDES THE UNDERBODY WASH AND THE DRYER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- Why does canceled/cancelled get to be spelled two different ways with neither getting caught by spell check? Quit being so indecisive.

- I would have to say that as a percentage of bathrooms to people, grocery stores are by far the worst.  Not only is there only one, they’re hard to find and are usually tucked back in some meatloaf only type area. 

- The number of bags that Panera serves per takeout order is completely excessive.  I’m sorry, but my wife’s potato soup and apple doesn’t need to go in a separate bag than my Chipotle Chicken, in a separate bag from our cookie, which then is all bagged within one massive bag.  Whew, I’m tired just from typing that.  Panera used 60 million paper bags last year and served 12 million people. Ok, I made up those numbers, but the ratios seem about right.

- Isn't it funny how if you actually started calling certain branded necessities by their non-branded names how you'd instantly sound like an ultra-weird goose to others? Yes, I'd like a facial tissue (Kleenex) and some lip balm (Chapstick) please. And while you're at it grab me an adhesive strip (Band-Aid) for my owie. 

- Isn’t it rather strange that the Taco Bell bell and the Apple iPhone ringer on/off-vibrate bell are exactly the same wimpy looking bell?  I bet that’s the first time that Taco Bell and the iPhone have ever been mentioned in the same sentence. 

- I wonder how many more hair club memberships are sold because they advertise that you'll receive your membership info in a "discreet" envelope. Shhhhhh, nobody knows that you're bald.

- Do they still call it continental breakfast in Alaska + Hawaii?

Borgled Meat Puppet

- What if you accidentally delete all of the web browsers from your computer?  Are you forever unable to access the internet?  And therefore rendering your computer 100% useless?  That would be a mean trick to play on someone.
- I just know that guy in the JoS A Bank television ads is throwing an “f” or “ph” sound at the end of JoS A, no matter how funky it’s spelled, although I bet he’d be a goose and never admit it.
- I was better at cursive in 5th grade than I am now.
- I always think that Brits sound cool and fancier than us when they speak.  ie- when they say, “what a pity” or “oh, that’s rubbish.”  I wonder if they think the same thing about us when we say something like, “wow, that sucks.”  I’m thinking not.
- 8 points for the letter “J” in Scrabble seems a bit excessive.
- I find it funny how the Fox score ticker on NFL Sundays says, “Midfield” instead of “50” when showing the ball location.  That’s a high character count differential.
- I get at least a little aroused every team I go into Jimmy John’s and watch them make sandwiches at blazing speeds.  What, did that sound weird?
- I absolutely hate it when I’m at a pizza buffet when they only have old pizza out, but you’re hungry so you just take some anyway.  Then, inevitably right after you take the old pizza and are still standing there with it on your plate, they bring out new pizza.  At this point, what’s worse- putting the old pizza back on the tray or just keeping it on your plate and not eating it and letting it get thrown away?
- If your name is Jorge but you insist on going by the pronunciation of George, I automatically do not like you.
- How come watermelons are they only fruit that gets to blow up?

A Blog About Nothing

-        If I split a 5 Hour Energy with someone, do we each get 2.5 hours’ worth of max energy or ½ energy boost for 5 hours?

-        Here’s some irony for you- I text all of the time, yet I hate text message alerts.  It’s never a convenient time to receive one. 

-        I love it when a drive thru at a restaurant is packed with cars, yet you could walk 10 feet inside to order, receive your food and walk back to your car well before even half of the cars currently in their drive thru line get their food.  For those Sioux Falls residents, see Jimmy John’s on 57^th and Louise Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday at any time for a perfect example of this. 

-        What happens if you write below the line on the back of a check?  Does the bank steal all of your money?  Man, they really hog a ton of the space back there.

-        How in the world can something take up to 2 hours to cook in the oven?!  2 hours!  Man, lasagna must be a lot tougher than me, I start sweating within minutes of stepping outside in 100 degree heat, let alone 4 times that temp.

-        Why is fall the only season that gets a secondary name (autumn)?  Let’s start calling winter beaverton and see what happens. 

-        Why do ATMs time out after only 10 seconds?  Do banks really think that if a thief stole your credit or debit card that they’d panic and just give up if the card timed out? 

-        I always find it funny when you’ve spoken with someone over the phone or heard them on the radio or something, and then you see a picture of them or meet them for the first time.  Even if you picture someone that way you never really picture them that way.  Sometimes I’d be less surprised if they were a gorilla or something when I saw them for the first time.  

Unfettered "Irony"

-        Taco John’s just came out with the Chicken Bacon Ranch Wrap.  For a second I thought it was 2007 again.

-        I almost always make up a fake name when fast food restaurants ask for one.  What are they going to say- “No, that’s not your name.”  I almost always pay in cash for those thinking of the possible debit card confliction.  You should try it sometime, it’s exhilarating.

-        While we’re on the name topic, I always find it funny how fast food restaurants will still ask for your name even if you’re the only person there.  You know, in case there are any other Roger or Walters that enter the restaurant right after I order.

-        I hate when golf announcers use the word always for a shot or a putt, like, “that putt was always left.”  I think something needs to have more than a 4 second lifespan to earn an always.

-        How is Radio Shack still in business?  I don’t know anyone who’s shopped there this decade and I haven’t been there since I needed batteries for my Walkman.

-        I think it’s funny how McDonald’s is doing a massive remodel of each of its stores and its image.  I don’t even need to give a reason.

-        Why are weigh stations on the interstate always closed?  No wonder the U.S. has an obesity problem.

-        Anyone else get that vibration twitch in your pocket where you quick grab or touch your leg to see if your phone is buzzing, only to realize that your phone is not in your pocket?  That quick grab would look really funny to someone who doesn’t own a cellphone, which is no one over the age of 6.

Arbitrary Goofhouse

It’s funny how in the end of some instruction manuals how they leave several blank pages for note-taking.  I’ve even seen some instances where they say, “this page intentionally left blank.”  Did they think that I’d be afraid that their printer broke and would be too scared to write there otherwise?

I hate when electronic items have a light that is on when the product is off, meaning that when the device is on the light goes off.  Why stop with the light?  Why not just do that with the on/off switch too and see what happens?

Every time that I see a “Now Hiring” sign I always for some reason think of “everyone quite because they hated it here so we need to hire some other losers” instead of “we’re growing.”

Doesn’t it seem kind of funny to download a new browser from another browser? (ie downloading Firefox from IE).  Guarantee there’s some jealousy and possibly counseling necessary afterwards there.

I’m working on starting a national debate- is it paper rock scissors or rock paper scissors?  I’ve heard strong arguments for both sides thus far, and as you probably know, people don’t take this game very lightly.

I love how small the difference between high and low is on a microwave fan.  It’s barely even noticeable and it’s supposed to be the extremes of the two ranges- high and low.  They’d be much more accurate if they just made it say, “High” and “Still Pretty High”

“Hey, I just need to get in the car quick so I can go get on the plane.”  Wait a sec, both are vehicles where you ride inside to get from one place to another, and we’re using “in” in one instance and “on” in another?  No wonder nobody can figure out our language.

Ever hear the “Home Alone” movie music that every single plane plays prior to take off and in-flight?  Next time you’re on a plane, listen for the lightly dinging bells that are played when the fasten seat belt signs and other notifications are made.  Have no idea what I’m talking about?  Then, just close your eyes the next time you’re on a plane, think about Macaulay Culkin, and you’ll see what I mean.    

Another Ironic Post

-          Why are waitresses always in such a hurry to run away from the table the second that they give you the check.  Just let me pay and get out of there!

-          When I was young I used to wonder what the word “Voidware” meant when they’d always say it on television commercials.  Then I realized that “Void Where Prohibited” is a three word statement.

-          I find it hilarious that some Subways have different breads.  Do people in Kansas City really not like Monterrey Cheddar?

-          On airplanes, why are the lips on the cup holders on tray tables so small?  It’s like they just had a little kid draw a circle in the corner and say, “Your Drink Here.”  There’s barely even an indent there.  Any minor bump and that drink is slip sliding into your lap.

-          I’m sure there’s a story behind this, but why is one screwdriver called a flathead and the other called a Phillips?  If I was a screwdriver I’d want to be a Phillips, I bet they have better parties.

-          With these rising gas prices, it’s making it a lot tougher to get that perfect pump to an even dollar amount.  I get excited when I nail it right on……..and then my excitement is quickly depleted when I realize that I’m paying $64 to fill up my car.

-          I recently drove to Minneapolis and had a pesky fly in the car the whole way up.  Every time I would think that I got him out of the window, he would re-appear.  Not only was he terribly annoying, but that little bastard got a free ride to Minneapolis out of it too.  At least when he finally got out when I got there he was probably like, where the h*ll am I?

-          I’ve seen a few speed signs over the years that say, “End 30 MPH Speed Zone.”  Need I even ask why they don’t just put up a “Speed Limit” sign instead?

-          It’s funny how a water bottle is something that you keep for repeat use, and how a bottled water is one time use.

-          The worst non-accident thing that can happen to you in the car is for you to go through a drive thru and for them to forget to give you a straw.

Wouldn’t it be weird to be a storm chaser and cheer for bad weather all of the time?  That’d be like those car repair shops that cheer for accidents on the morning traffic report.  Actually, I don’t know if they do that but I would just for fun if I was them.

-          I laughed to myself the first time that I saw one of those Best Buy Express vending machines at the airport, wondering who would ever buy anything from one of those?  On the trip back, that guy was me.  I had been meaning to buy a car phone charger for months, and it saved me a trip.  Now that was ironic in the correct sense of the word. 

Randomly Random

I’m about to un-become a Progressive customer because of the Flo commercials.  Please just go away forever. 

I like how when some new movies come out now they have these weird domain names.  I’m sure it’s a case where someone got word of the flick, bought as many domain names as possible that were similar, and then watched in anger as the first movie preview listed the site’s domain as some sort of weird concoction of words relating to the movie’s plot, like: www.sodarktheconofman.com  Is that a soft drink?  No, actually it was the Da Vinci Code movie’s website.  At least everyone who has already seen the movie understands it (sarcasm needs its own font). 

If there’s some road rage involved, would it be called a car purpose instead of a car accident?

That’s enough, Train

When I’m on Yahoo I feel like it’s 1997 again.

What’s been running longer- The Simpsons or those MasterCard priceless commercials?  It’s closer than you think.

I’ve never seen an audience laugh harder during the display of the title for a new movie than when I was in the theatre watching a preview for “The Adjustment Bureau.”  It’s like the producer went on vacation after completing the movie and some temp in charge of advertising had to scramble to quickly come up with the title or something.