A Not So Ironic Plethora of Thoughts 2020 Style

                                      

- You know that moment when you're listening to a podcast on your phone and someone calls you, interrupting your podcast and then once you're done with the call your phone just spins and takes forever to resume playing the podcast?  Yep, I hate that moment. 

- There’s always such hope when opening a new bottle of syrup that it won’t drip down the sides and become all sorts of a sticky mess, only to inevitably end up goobering itself all the way down top to bottom no matter how much effort is put forth into keeping it clean. 

- Kids toys have two volume settings: Loud and LOUDER

- Great Clips has gotten incredibly good about guilting humans who don't check in online first:  Scenario#1- Human walks in, asked instantly by employee, "Welcome to Great Clips, did you check-in online?"  Human replies, "Yes, my name is (insert name here)..." etc.... This human is looked upon favorably by said Great Clips employees. 
Scenario #2- Human walks in, asked instantly by employee, "Welcome to Great Clips, did you check-in online?" Human replies, "No."  This human is not looked upon favorably by said Great Clips employees.  The following sequence of events with said humans usually involves extreme guilt and a demeaning tone and is often replied to with, "Well, we're looking at 40-50 minutes of a wait" even though no other humans are present in the store, only names on a screen.  Thankfully, I'm not one of those humans/lesser beings.

- Things I hate: Freezing rain, dark chocolate and arriving to the Pizza Ranch buffet, always with such excitement, only to find myself waiting "6-8 minutes" for the pizza that I really want to eat, but filling myself with mediocre-at-best pizza in the meantime, only to be just marginally hungry when the pizza I really want comes out.  #firstworldproblems

- Elf on the Shelf post-Christmas PTSD.  Waking up with nightmares of did-I-forget-to-move-the-elf-oh-wait-it's-January.  Yep, it's a real thing. 

- For my next invention, I'd like to invent Pre-VR.  This would involve being able to watch a program before it actually airs.  For instance, I'm an early to bed, early to rise kinda guy, but there are just some shows and sports that are on past this old guy's bedtime.  So instead, being able to watch the show or game before its normal air time would be fabulous.  Yep, Pre-VR.  Let's make it happen. 

- Is there anything more unpleasant than the jarring and startling noise a toaster makes when it pops up?  It's so abrupt and violent, especially given that it's usually used early in the morning when loud noises are all sorts of annoying.  How about some soft music instead building to a climax right as my toast pops up before I slap some PB on it.  I mean yep, seriously. 

- Typical QDoba ordering scenario:

QDoba Employee (usually age 11 or younger)- "What can I get started for ya?"

Me- "Steak Queso Burrito" (Yep, 3 whole words to remember, describing multiple action steps on their part)

QDoba Employee asks what type of tortilla, steams the tortilla then asks, "What kind of meat?"

Me, repeating again, "Steak.  White rice.  Black Beans." (Me knowing the next questions they'll ask, so just saying the next couple of steps for them).

QDoba Employee adds the steak, then asks, "What kind of rice?  What kind of beans?"

Me- "White rice, black beans."

QDoba Employee- "Queso?"

Me- "Yep, regular queso" (even though I referred to this in the first step of ordering)

QDoba Employee- "Salsa?"

Me- "Yep, hot salsa, cheese and sour cream" (me also just shortening the process since I know the next question they'll ask).

QDoba Employee adds the salsa, then asks, "you said lettuce too, right?"  

Yep, gotta love those distracted millenials.  

Fresh Dose of An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

• Most important things in life:
• God/Faith
• Family
• Making sure to put the recycle bin out the week after Christmas #boxplethora
• I am no longer in the dating world, but if I still was my profile would certainly list something like: “Seeking- someone who updates their smart phone apps regularly.”
• Somehow as technology advances further and further, it takes longer and longer for a high definition television to turn on.
• One of my favorite things in life is how quickly Google’s 2-step verification text message comes through to your phone after trying to login to a new computer and typing in your password. Sometimes it almost feels like it sends before you even click the button.  I actually just do this out of pure amusement sometimes.
• There's the pressure/nerves of speaking in front of large groups.  Then there's the pressure/nerves of coming down the stretch of the last few holes in golf playing match play.  Then there's the pressure/nerves of standing in the Qdoba line and ordering for your entire family.  This takes stress to a whole new level. 
• I was in a gas station the other day looking for a standard Reese's candy bar.  1 hour and 15 minutes later after being blinded by orange in every direction and sifting through the 432 different kinds of Reese's I found it.  I'm happy to say that this is one of the most proud accomplishments of 2018. 

An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts 2018 Style

• Someone please explain to me why exit row seats don't recline on planes. If anything, you think they'd be able to recline more, you know, in case of a real emergency.
• Can cell phones get STDs from those public charging stations at the airport?  I mean, that's a lot of daily public insertion going on there.
• During Christmas time, would it be unreasonable to ask the Salvation Army to give me an "I already gave that other dude money" slip when I donate on the way in?  That way I can give it to the other guy on my way out and avoid the Scrooge-like eye contact going on there otherwise.
• Do you think that auto repair shops cheer when they hear about car accidents on the radio so they can get more business?   Local traffic report- "Accident on I-29 Southbound near the 41st St Exit..."  Repair Shop-"YES!! (high fives)"
• It's actually been scientifically proven that there are more crumbs in a single toaster than there are grains of  sand on every single beach in the world.
• I love shopping at my local Ace Hardware, but the receipt printer that they use is archaic beyond belief and literally adds 4-6 seconds to every shopping trip.  Like incredibly long awkward pause-like between me and the cashier.  Ok, I realize 4-6 seconds isn't that big of a deal, but actually the real issue is that with free popcorn just 5 steps away, that's a LONG time to wait to start devouring my free bag of freshly popped kernels.
• My favorite thing about Christmas trees is the off-the-deck "get out of here you sticky, sappy thing" throw after it so warmly gave its last month of life being the center of our living room's Christmas spirit.
• I wish somebody would tell Google that when I check the box, "Don't ask for codes again on this computer" it would mean precisely that, instead of, "Always ask for codes on this computer."  Come on, Google. 
• The dental center that I go to sent me two emails, two texts and one "courtesy" phone call to remind me of my upcoming regular check-up.  It's amazing, but I still remembered to go on the right day and time.
• In 8th grade, my friend had a watch that he could tune like a universal remote to basically any tv, so in our History class he set it to that tv's frequency and kept turning the tv on randomly throughout class, much to the teacher's dismay.  It was fabulously hilarious. Funny how technology from nearly a quarter century ago could be so fun.
• Either granola bars and kudos are getting smaller, or I'm still getting bigger. Maybe both. Either way, I swear one of these days I'll open one of those wrappers up and there'll be nothing in it.

An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

• Gotta love when you fill up with gas and pay at the pump and just get absolutely hammered with questions: Would you like a car wash? Y/N   Would you like a receipt?  Y/N    Do you have a points card?  Y/N   Would you like for me to shut up and stop asking you questions so that you can just freaking fill up and get the hell out of here?  Y
  
• In the history of airport parking, it’s actually been confirmed that no human ever has gotten one of those front row spots.  I’m pretty sure that God planted cars there at the beginning of time.  Either that or the people that parked there flew away and never came back.  
• I’m not afraid to change clocks to the right time anywhere that I am.
• Shouldn’t those annoying microwave beeps be a thing of the past by now?  I mean it’s 2016 for goodness sakes, I want some microwave ringtones man.
• In the next several years, it is quite possible that it’ll require taking out a second mortgage to be able to pay for a large pizza at Godfather’s “menu price.”
  
• How is it that when kids play with the remote control they seem to find buttons that don’t exist?
• A cow would eat itself, right?  I mean no way it’d turn down a steaming hot cheeseburger.  And no freaking way that a pig doesn’t seriously chomp on some bacon.
• Sometimes if the checkout clerk at HyVee gets going too fast for my comfort level in taking items out of my shopping cart, I’ll pull out the fruits and veggies so that they have to weigh them and slow down.  Take that overly fast checkout helper person, I like to checkout at my own pace.
• I wonder in the history of planet Earth if anyone has ever ordered anything off of the HuHot menu.  #EndlessBuffet
• Directv recently told me that my remote control batteries were low by prompting me on the screen with options of “Ok or More Info.”  What “More Info” could I possibly need to know?

Long Overdue Not So Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

-        Burger King consistently gives me 1 ketchup packet for my entire thing of fries, while Taco Johns consistently gives me 5 salsas for my 1 burrito.  Gotta love it.

-        One of my friends recently switched from an iPhone to a non-Apple device.  My iPhone kept trying to send the blue iPhone-to-iPhone texts for weeks, before finally letting go and switching to green.  It was like a long-term relationship that it just couldn’t let go of.  It was kinda sweet.

-        So when are airports going to have dudes for hire to sit by my luggage so I don’t have to lug it all the way into the bathroom while I go pee?

-        Gotta love when there’s a cop who has pulled someone over on the side of the road, where they leave their police car purposely just a couple feet stuck out into the far right lane just to be an ass.

-       -I always stop the microwave with 1 second to go, just so I don’t have to hear it beep 48 times letting me know how proud it is of finishing.

-       Directv started sending me its “complimentary” newsletter.  Yeah, that’s right, it better be “complimentary” when I’m paying those smug bastards $95 per month. Oh and btw, that's enough Rob Lowe commercials already, Jesus. 

-      I have broken exactly 100% of the chip clips that I have ever used.

-       Until very recently, I thought all Family Feud episodes were reruns from the ‘90s.  Apparently the ones with that Steve Harvey dude are new, so either they use a low quality camera when filming or the people that they select to be on the show are just plain weird, but seriously, watch it and tell me that it doesn’t make you think you’re straight back a couple decades ago.

-        Wheel of Fortune has a very loud and noticeable sound effect for the Bankrupt spot on the wheel, but yet Lose A Turn has an awkward silence with no sound effect.  Damnit Pat + Vanna, I want some answers. 

-        Way back in 1930/1931, the Empire State Building took just 11 months to build from start to finish, yet it takes like 2 years to fix a couple mile stretch of an interstate.  Go figure that one out.

An Overdue Dosage of Not So Ironic Randomness

- You know, whether you're rich, poor or anything in between, it always sucks when you get ketchup on your pants.

- Bought something from Walgreens the other day and the clerk at the cash register was super friendly, that is until I rejected the offer of taking my receipt, which for one reason or another got me the evil eye. Good thing I paid in cash.

- One of these days I want to back out of a carwash just to see what happens.

- I know one of these times that I arrive at the gym that I will have forgotten to put on shorts underneath my sweatpants, which of course I wouldn't find out until I had already pulled down my sweatpants quickly to begin working out (not inside the locker room but the small lockers out in the open).  That's never happened before, no, never.

- Why exactly is weather.com starting to give me non-weather related stories?  The other day there was this story on there about some man and a whale and then some totally other unrelated world landmark story.  You already badly suck at predicting the weather, I suggest focusing on getting one thing right first before you branch off into other topics that nobody cares about.

- Even though nothing about the ice storm that crushed our city of Sioux Falls this April was funny, I find myself continually laughing at this photo of this truck picking up our limbs and scraps from our tree damage.  Trying to think of other usages for a big dump-type like truck with a huge mechanical arm and claws sticking out of it.  Then again, it would be kind of a cool ride...

A Fresh Batch of Not So Ironic Hilarity

-        You know, it’d be a lot easier to sleep on airplanes if they were always pointed up.

-        Never trust a toaster

-        If I’m currently friends with you and you don’t simply reserve your Redbox movies ahead of time online and instead opt to waste everyone’s time by browsing aimlessly there at the kiosk where those of us prudent ones await upon your indecisiveness, consider me an angry acquaintance of yours at best from here forward.

-        I don’t care what the laws of physics say, nearly two 2 liters of pop (3.785 liters to be precise) just plain can’t fit into a one gallon jug. 

-        I swear my printer takes its sweet time on purpose just to be a smarmy jerk the time after I turn it off “inappropriately.”

-        Always find it funny how other than those TI-85 clunky graphing calculators that we used in school, nearly no calculator out there has an off key.  Guarantee that hey-I’ll-just-wait-here-for-about-three-minutes-before-I-turn-off—yep-don’t-worry-about-me—I’m-good zero gets lonely sometimes.

-        We all certainly enjoy “the Big O” if you know what I mean, but I find it more than a little odd that about every other ad I hear on Pandora is for Adam + Eve’s sex kits.  Perhaps Mumford + Son’s is more deviant than I think…   #desperatemarketingefforts

-        Anyone else getting overly annoyed at the constant BREAKING NOW top red bar on Weather.com?  Sorry folks, I just don’t think that Winter Storm Gandolf in Idaho is worthy of breaking news screaming constantly in my face while I simply try and check the temperature outside.

-        Wanna sound more sophisticated in your texts or on social media?  Use “haha” instead of “LOL,” it’ll instantly upgrade your IQ and social status.

-        As if it isn’t painful enough that most damn hotel room tv’s always default back to some random, fuzzy hotel info channel after turning them off, why does the volume have to mysteriously creep up 3 fold after turning it back on as well?

-        When I was younger, my Dad one time ordered 30 or so cheeseburgers for our baseball team from McDonald’s.  He went in to the restaurant to order by himself, and after the order was placed, the employee asked if “that’d be for here or to go.”  Funny how stuck-in-a-routine our brains get sometimes before we speak. #thenagainitwasaMcDonaldsemployee #someginormoustruckerdudehasprobablyeatenthatmanyhimselfbeforeanyway

For some further random hilarity and bold analysis for the golfing type, be sure to visit my 4 Deep Golf blog. 

Insatiable Appetite For A Plethora of Non-Irony

-I feel like the military should've been able to invent team bullets by now.

- The other day I drove thru an intersection that had a sign that said, "U-Turn permitted". I wanted to leave a note on it that said, "Thanks. Trust us, we'd just do this with no sign anyway."

- I wonder if coins get secretly really happy when you accidentally leave them in your pockets and they go thru the wash. Think they'd get mad if you told them it was just an accident?

- My two least favorite iPhone auto-corrects are "wools" and "Sid" when I'm trying to type "woops" and "sis". I'd like to know the last time anyone intentionally tried to type wools. And yep, pretty sure I don't know anyone named Sid.

- There’s a guy who now works at Subway, whom previously worked at Quizno’s, whom previously worked at another local sandwich shop before that.  He seems to be some type of sandwich shop employee whore, but at least now he can update his Facebook profile occupation to read, “artist.”

- I always find it funny when restaurants or other businesses feel like they have to explain why they're closing early on a holiday "so employees can spend the holiday with their families."  Trust us, we’ve assumed this this already.  Since it’s just assumed, always thought it'd be funny if they posted something other than the family thing, like- “We’ll be closed on Wednesday, July 4^th so that our employees can go blow some sh*t up.”

- I'm not sure if it's intended to be funny, but National American University's website being www.onedayonenight.com is just downright hilarious.

- I still think receipt could get by without needing a p. 

- I hate those perpetual goosebags who always hog the impossible to find and overly scarce plug-ins at every airport.  

Random and Arbitrary Goofhouse-iness

• I think the security team plus all grocery store employees secretly laugh every time that you are driving up and down lane after lane in the lot frantically looking for a space to park…and then you come up on what you think is a space because there’s no backend to a car there…wait I think I found one……ugh, it’s just the cart corral. Smug bastards.
• Isn’t it funny how eating candy from a box at a movie theatre seems normal, yet if you were eating boxed candy anywhere else you’d be eligible to park in handicap spaces?
• I don't think I could draw a quality ampersand even while staring directly at the keyboard.
• For some horrendously bad reason I used to wear socks with sandals in high school and college.  It literally has ruined every summer picture from my high school and college lifetime.  I'm contemplating photo-shopping the socks out of every single freaking photo. They should create an app for that: used-to-wear-socks-with-sandals-ruined-every-picture-of-my-childhood-bailout-photo-recovery-app
• One of the most stressful moments in a human’s lifetime is when you’re up at the checkout counter at the grocery store and you last second realize that you forgot one important thing. So, you quick run back through the store to grab the item, but on the way there you bump into someone that you haven’t seen in a while.  It's truly one of the most annoying and awkward moments in the life of a human being as you try and catch up with them politely but also tell them to get the hell out of your face as you scream your way back to the checkout aisle before some random shelve-stocker kid begins returning your items that you worked overly hard to gather for purchase.  Phew, that wore me out just typing all of that.
• Isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to tell when a person from the U.S. is nervous while speaking simply by the quivering of their voice and the tones of their words?  On the other hand, when someone with a foreign accent is speaking, you have no clue if they’re nervous or not.  You can always just attribute anything to the accent.  It’s like this free shield that they get just for being foreign. 
• The other day I was filling a fountain pop at a machine with “no free refills” while standing next to a cop.  I definitely thought twice about taking a quick free sip and then refilling back to the top before I purchased.
• Isn't it funny how after sitting for hours and hours on a plane or in a car ride that after you get where you're going the only that you want to do is sit down when you get there?

A New Year, and a Continued Plethora of Nonsense

- Why is it still called a glove compartment?  Has anyone actually ever put gloves in there?   And if so, you're weird and I don't want to be in the car with you anyway.  Naming it the car manual/chapstick/crumpled  napkins compartment would be more fitting.

-  Considering I hit "No" 99% of the time for “Would You Like A Car Wash” when pumping gas, I wonder how surprised the gas machine is when I do actually hit yes. Sometimes I'm almost expecting some sort of sarcastic message to display, like "Are you serious? Do you really want one or did you just hit the wrong button just to tease me?”

- I always laugh when HuHot brings out menus. Why even have a menu?  The cranky car wash button and the world-hates-me HuHot menu guys should hang out.

-  Ok, so speaking of car washes, I've never been to a car wash where the Code Entry system volume wasn't overly loud. Yes, I know that my car wash package INCLUDES THE UNDERBODY WASH AND THE DRYER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- Why does canceled/cancelled get to be spelled two different ways with neither getting caught by spell check? Quit being so indecisive.

- I would have to say that as a percentage of bathrooms to people, grocery stores are by far the worst.  Not only is there only one, they’re hard to find and are usually tucked back in some meatloaf only type area. 

- The number of bags that Panera serves per takeout order is completely excessive.  I’m sorry, but my wife’s potato soup and apple doesn’t need to go in a separate bag than my Chipotle Chicken, in a separate bag from our cookie, which then is all bagged within one massive bag.  Whew, I’m tired just from typing that.  Panera used 60 million paper bags last year and served 12 million people. Ok, I made up those numbers, but the ratios seem about right.

- Isn't it funny how if you actually started calling certain branded necessities by their non-branded names how you'd instantly sound like an ultra-weird goose to others? Yes, I'd like a facial tissue (Kleenex) and some lip balm (Chapstick) please. And while you're at it grab me an adhesive strip (Band-Aid) for my owie. 

- Isn’t it rather strange that the Taco Bell bell and the Apple iPhone ringer on/off-vibrate bell are exactly the same wimpy looking bell?  I bet that’s the first time that Taco Bell and the iPhone have ever been mentioned in the same sentence. 

- I wonder how many more hair club memberships are sold because they advertise that you'll receive your membership info in a "discreet" envelope. Shhhhhh, nobody knows that you're bald.

- Do they still call it continental breakfast in Alaska + Hawaii?

Borgled Meat Puppet

- What if you accidentally delete all of the web browsers from your computer?  Are you forever unable to access the internet?  And therefore rendering your computer 100% useless?  That would be a mean trick to play on someone.
- I just know that guy in the JoS A Bank television ads is throwing an “f” or “ph” sound at the end of JoS A, no matter how funky it’s spelled, although I bet he’d be a goose and never admit it.
- I was better at cursive in 5th grade than I am now.
- I always think that Brits sound cool and fancier than us when they speak.  ie- when they say, “what a pity” or “oh, that’s rubbish.”  I wonder if they think the same thing about us when we say something like, “wow, that sucks.”  I’m thinking not.
- 8 points for the letter “J” in Scrabble seems a bit excessive.
- I find it funny how the Fox score ticker on NFL Sundays says, “Midfield” instead of “50” when showing the ball location.  That’s a high character count differential.
- I get at least a little aroused every team I go into Jimmy John’s and watch them make sandwiches at blazing speeds.  What, did that sound weird?
- I absolutely hate it when I’m at a pizza buffet when they only have old pizza out, but you’re hungry so you just take some anyway.  Then, inevitably right after you take the old pizza and are still standing there with it on your plate, they bring out new pizza.  At this point, what’s worse- putting the old pizza back on the tray or just keeping it on your plate and not eating it and letting it get thrown away?
- If your name is Jorge but you insist on going by the pronunciation of George, I automatically do not like you.
- How come watermelons are they only fruit that gets to blow up?

A Blog About Nothing

-        If I split a 5 Hour Energy with someone, do we each get 2.5 hours’ worth of max energy or ½ energy boost for 5 hours?

-        Here’s some irony for you- I text all of the time, yet I hate text message alerts.  It’s never a convenient time to receive one. 

-        I love it when a drive thru at a restaurant is packed with cars, yet you could walk 10 feet inside to order, receive your food and walk back to your car well before even half of the cars currently in their drive thru line get their food.  For those Sioux Falls residents, see Jimmy John’s on 57^th and Louise Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday at any time for a perfect example of this. 

-        What happens if you write below the line on the back of a check?  Does the bank steal all of your money?  Man, they really hog a ton of the space back there.

-        How in the world can something take up to 2 hours to cook in the oven?!  2 hours!  Man, lasagna must be a lot tougher than me, I start sweating within minutes of stepping outside in 100 degree heat, let alone 4 times that temp.

-        Why is fall the only season that gets a secondary name (autumn)?  Let’s start calling winter beaverton and see what happens. 

-        Why do ATMs time out after only 10 seconds?  Do banks really think that if a thief stole your credit or debit card that they’d panic and just give up if the card timed out? 

-        I always find it funny when you’ve spoken with someone over the phone or heard them on the radio or something, and then you see a picture of them or meet them for the first time.  Even if you picture someone that way you never really picture them that way.  Sometimes I’d be less surprised if they were a gorilla or something when I saw them for the first time.  

Unfettered "Irony"

-        Taco John’s just came out with the Chicken Bacon Ranch Wrap.  For a second I thought it was 2007 again.

-        I almost always make up a fake name when fast food restaurants ask for one.  What are they going to say- “No, that’s not your name.”  I almost always pay in cash for those thinking of the possible debit card confliction.  You should try it sometime, it’s exhilarating.

-        While we’re on the name topic, I always find it funny how fast food restaurants will still ask for your name even if you’re the only person there.  You know, in case there are any other Roger or Walters that enter the restaurant right after I order.

-        I hate when golf announcers use the word always for a shot or a putt, like, “that putt was always left.”  I think something needs to have more than a 4 second lifespan to earn an always.

-        How is Radio Shack still in business?  I don’t know anyone who’s shopped there this decade and I haven’t been there since I needed batteries for my Walkman.

-        I think it’s funny how McDonald’s is doing a massive remodel of each of its stores and its image.  I don’t even need to give a reason.

-        Why are weigh stations on the interstate always closed?  No wonder the U.S. has an obesity problem.

-        Anyone else get that vibration twitch in your pocket where you quick grab or touch your leg to see if your phone is buzzing, only to realize that your phone is not in your pocket?  That quick grab would look really funny to someone who doesn’t own a cellphone, which is no one over the age of 6.