Randomly Random

I’m about to un-become a Progressive customer because of the Flo commercials.  Please just go away forever. 

I like how when some new movies come out now they have these weird domain names.  I’m sure it’s a case where someone got word of the flick, bought as many domain names as possible that were similar, and then watched in anger as the first movie preview listed the site’s domain as some sort of weird concoction of words relating to the movie’s plot, like: www.sodarktheconofman.com  Is that a soft drink?  No, actually it was the Da Vinci Code movie’s website.  At least everyone who has already seen the movie understands it (sarcasm needs its own font). 

If there’s some road rage involved, would it be called a car purpose instead of a car accident?

That’s enough, Train

When I’m on Yahoo I feel like it’s 1997 again.

What’s been running longer- The Simpsons or those MasterCard priceless commercials?  It’s closer than you think.

I’ve never seen an audience laugh harder during the display of the title for a new movie than when I was in the theatre watching a preview for “The Adjustment Bureau.”  It’s like the producer went on vacation after completing the movie and some temp in charge of advertising had to scramble to quickly come up with the title or something. 

Arbitrary Randomness

When someone opens the door for you while entering a building and there are two doors, if you say thank you after the first door hold, are you obligated for a second thank you when they hold the second door or is it an acceptable mini-thank you snub situation?

Dammit I’m mad backwards.

Why are Hard Rock Café shirts so popular?  Hey everyone, I went to Buenos Aires just to buy a Hard Rock Café t-shirt!  Oh yeah, well I’m going to start selling Sioux Falls Applebees shirts.

Why are those “English is really hard for foreigners to learn” examples so bizarre?  “He was busy ceiling the souls of his shoes, while over their his friend eight a flour.”  It’s like seriously, can’t you come up with something that could possibly make some sense?

Wouldn’t it be awkward if a restaurant employee caught you stealing pop at a restaurant in your water cup?  If they did catch you, would you have any grounds to say that they should only charge you half price because those water cups are so small?  Or, would they still charge you the price of the smallest pop as some sort of a penalty?

Can we just cancel the 3D tv thing?  LED or LCD HD is more than good enough for me and I don’t want to have to buy a new tv.  Also, aliens would laugh at us if they saw us sitting in our living rooms watching tv while wearing some funky cardboard glasses.

Hey everyone, get ready to feel old.  People born before this date in 1990 can now legally drink.  1990.

So, let me get this straight.  If an NFL team hires a white coach without first (token) interviewing a black coach, they have violated the Rooney rule and are subject to penalty.  But, when the Vikings hired Leslie Frazier as their head coach, they didn’t have to interview a white candidate first.  I’m going to lobby for the Gringo rule this offseason.

Let’s just end the tomato- fruit or vegetable debate right now.  I’d never eat one plain, so it’s a frickin vegetable.

Racecar backwards

Note to 99.1 ESPN Radio- A radio station isn’t “new” anymore 2 years later.  Neither are the ’09 Titleist ProV1s in my bag.

You have to wonder if Maybelline would use the same motto if its brand didn’t start with an “M.”

Do you think the “i” in iPod ever gets jealous at the “P” for being capitalized?

Canteen is a cool word, but not one that I get to use very often

Since there’s an insect called a fly I’m going to invent an animal called a swim.

Redheads look weird on a basketball court even though they come close to matching the color of the ball.  Sorry, they just do.

Why do water towers put the water up so high?  I would just keep it down on the ground if it were me, water is frickin heavy.    

Continued Randomness

-         I miss Winamp, especially the skins

-         My friend Charlie has invented a new contraction- whyn’t.  I’m on board.  I suggest you start casually inserting it into everyday conversation and see if it catches on. 

-         Why do people think that it’s “must of” instead of “must have?” as in ie.  “He’s not here, he must have gone to kill a ghost.”  It’s not “must of” people.  Our society is coming to an end.

-         My life changed forever for the better the day I stopped hitting yes for receipts on gas pumps and ATMs.

-         Paperclips seem pretty old fashioned at this point, but I really don’t have any better suggestions for such a need.

-         The next person that hits their brakes while merging on an interstate on ramp is going to be intentionally rear ended by me. 

-         Nothing irks me more than when you’re pumping gas and the auto fill keeps un-clicking so you have to awkwardly stand their half squeezing the pump.  It’s exponentially worse in the winter when you’re sitting in your car and you hear that loud un-click, boom!  Why is it so loud in the first place when it un-clicks?  I swear even the gas clerks hear and see it and point and laugh at you from inside.  Then there’s always that smug guy two pumps away who gives you that snotty I-know-how-to-pump-gas-better-than-you look.  Frickin gooseball.

-         Let’s go ahead and crank up the pressure on the kitchen refrigerator water.  I bet I drink at least two less cups per day because I don’t want to stand there for four minutes to fill half a glass. 

-         In Spanish porque means both why and because.  Porque?  Porque!  Porque?  Porque!  Why?  Because!

-         Does CBS actually listen to what Andy Rooney says at the end of each 60 Minutes episode?  I don’t buy waxed beans either, and don’t plan to be on tv anytime soon to tell others about it. 

-         Note to movie directors, just having Vince Vaughn in a movie no longer means that it’ll automatically be funny.

More Randomness

Randomness continued:

-         Isn’t it funny how Brown sounds so normal as the name of a prestigious university.  I have a hard time believing had they named it Purple that it would sound as normal.

-         My favorite text that Mobes ever sent me: “I’d like two McRibs please.”  “Ok, please pull around and we’ll have them for you shortly.”  “Do you realize that I’m a zombie?”  “Your McRibs will be available immediately.” 

-         Who decided that red gets to be on top of the stoplight? 

-         Albert Rollenby

-         Nice work Arizona, Kansas St., and Kentucky for all choosing the same university nickname.  Oooooooooh Wildcats, very creative.

-         How come the only state that gets to have its own shirts is Hawaii?  I’m going to create Minnesotan shirts.

-         Let’s just go ahead and remove the second “c” before the first “t” in Connecticut. 

-         Dear Progressive: Please stop the white background commercials with Flo in them.  They are horrible.  I am a current customer and almost want to reconsider since I hate these commercials so much.  Thank you.

-         When did ESPN decide to lower case the “ers” in 49ers and 76ers?  It looks funny scrolling across the Bottom Line, but looks entirely normal in the sentence above.

-         Let’s just go ahead and invent something that works as rapidly as a microwave, but cools instead of heats.

-         For some reason I always called Best Western Hotels Burger King when I was younger.  I think it was because of the crown.  What happened to Burger King giving out those kid crowns btw?

-         Chapstick, Kleenex, Q-Tips, Band-Aids, and others did a very good job of marketing their products.  Do you ever ask anyone for an adhesive strip or a facial tissue?  Exactly.

-         I was the first one to wear a Zephyr Graphics (the popular hats that say the team name ie “Cocks” on the front) hat in Stillwater High School; I don’t care what anyone says. 

-         Why does dreamt get to be the only word in the English language that ends in “mt” ?

-         Why does UCONN get to go by the letter U and half their university’s name?  UWash, UMinn or others don’t quite have the same catch.  I again blame it on that unnecessary second “c.” 

Embarrassment Hits Its Peak

Apparently it doesn’t take much to become the owner of an NFL franchise.  For those of you unfortunate souls who watched owner Zygi Wilf shakily introduce (or nearly forget to introduce for those that watched) Vikings defense coordinator as the new Vikings interim head coach, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  I am now officially more embarrassed to be a Vikings fan than I ever have been.  No, not because of the humiliating 31-3 loss at the Metrodome (I’m still one to two good seasons away from calling it Mall of America field) to long-time rival Green Bay, but because of the ineptitude and blankness of owner Zygi Wilf’s speech.  To start off the press conference of Brad Childress’ inevitable firing, Zygi took the stand and read (or attempted to read) a blanket statement saying that Childress had been dismissed and that Leslie Frazier had been appointed the interim coach.  I’m not sure if Zygi was standing barefoot on icicles behind the podium or if he had swallowed a fork with his meatball sub over lunch or what, but never in my life have I heard or seen an individual of that level stagger and stammer over simply reading a pre-prepared speech like that.  The sad thing is that the worst part about the whole conference was the questions that followed the speech.  On basic questions like, “Is Leslie going to be your coach next season?” or “What was the main reason that you dismissed Childress?” Zygi completely froze like a deer in the headlights.  Actually not like a deer in the headlights, more like a stoned deer in the headlights of a frickin Japanese bullet train.  For each question, Zygi scrambled through his stack of papers to read blanket responses like, “All I can say is that we’re focusing on preparing to take on the Washington Redskins this weekend,” and each time sloppily pronouncing half the words in each response like a hobo sitting outside of Sid’s Liquor.  Did you really have to scramble to dig through a stack of papers like a nervous pianist at her senior recital to give a nothing response like that?  Why were you so uncomfortable?  Were you embarrassed that you won your season Vikings under 9.5 wins bet and fired your head coach the next day?  Maybe those icicles under your feet really were that sharp. 

All of this doesn’t even mention the pure torture and agony that we as Vikings fans have witnessed the entire season up to this point.  Once competitive in games in being within just a forced turnover or big play or two needed at the end but done in by: ridiculous late penalties in the Dolphins game, a late interception in the Jets game, repeated missed opportunities in the New England game, more ridiculous penalties in the Green Bay game at Lambeau, and then to not even coming within a Clay Matthews hair strand of sacking the overly sackable Jay Cutler and losing by the biggest 14 point margin loss ever (game felt like a 28 point loss) capped off by giving up 31 unanswered at home in getting annihilated by the Pack (the Pack have gotten two coaches now fired this year, nice work boys!).  The Vikings were one play away from making the Super Bowl last year.  ONE FRICKIN PLAY!  This is an indescribable and unfathomable fall from grace.  Talk about a wasted collection of talent.  Percy Harvin, Adrian Peterson, and EJ Henderson have so much raw energy and power that they could drive a car without gas.  And on the Vikings they are completely wasted talent.  Is the grizzled grampa Brett Favre to blame?  Or how about the offensive coordinator turned head coach and offensive conserveanator Brad Childress?  Who really knows, other than the fact that I never want to hear that creepy, melpy Childress say another grimey word again.  Just when I wanted to begin being excited for next season, I listened to new interim head coach Leslie Frazier give his introductory speech where he thanked the “Wolfs” for the opportunity and twice used the pretend word “irregardless.”

All of this aside, as of right now this is all on you Zygi “Wolf.”  You embarrassed us on that stand today.  You made us nervous, uncomfortable, angry, sad, and pissed off just watching you attempt to speak.  How in the world can someone so incompetent and frumpy accumulate mass amounts of wealth and become the owner of an NFL franchise?!  Why are we just now realizing that years and years into this ownership that maybe there’s more to blame than just the head coach?  How about for once blaming the ownership?  I guess all Vikings fans should prepare to become the laughing stock of the entire NFL, oh wait, we already are. 

Jorl

With a life filled of Seinfeldian and Larry David like thoughts, random things always seem to be dancing through my head.  Here is a small sample, enjoy. 

Random Thoughts
- When I go to Qdoba and am being helped by a black person and order anything other than black beans, am I being racist?

- The word ransack seems to be a funny combination of two different words. How the meaning of the combined word makes any sense based on the two words I have no idea

- The Indian Ocean seems to easily be the most overlooked ocean out there, there has to be some jealousy on some level

- I believe that we should change the spelling of arctic to artic. It would sound better and look less funny. In fact you wouldn’t even have to tell everyone and the majority of people would already be spelling correctly.

- Why do people pull out so far when stopping at a stop light or stop sign waiting to turn onto the next street? Do they really think that will get them there any faster?

- Does the Indian star on a Tootsie Pop really lead to a free sucker? I don’t think that I ever found that out either way for sure, but I remember having a lot of random wrappers laying around when I was younger.

- I find it funny that when women watch movies that they seem to be more concerned about the safety of dogs over people, ie the Titanic.

- I’d have to give major kudos to Johnson+Johnson for officially changing the name of an adhesive strip to Band-Aid. It would sound strange and just be really weird to be asking for adhesive strips all of the time.

- Why is it such a big deal to get part of an eggshell in the pan? I remember our Home Ec teacher making a big deal about this when I was younger. I never really figured out why it was such a big deal.

- I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that forgets that New Hampshire actually exists

- I’ve never seen a cop or a group of cops eating donuts

- What the hell is the difference between Hardees and Carl’s Jr.?

- The day that GPS by contact gets invented (or becomes mainstream) for cell phones is the day that I go back to a landline

- Why is it that when you’re tired and driving it’s easy to fall asleep when it’s warm, but if you crank the AC it keeps you awake? Yet, when you’re at home in bed it’s impossible to sleep when it’s warm, but when it’s nice and cold you can cuddle up and sleep well?

- I once knew a guy who always put the word “the” in front of his first and last name. Needless to say I wanted to bash his f*$)kng skull in.

- I’m already officially sick of Twitter and I’ve never used it.

- Why is it still called a checking account? Nobody writes checks anymore, get with the times

- When are gas stations going realize that nobody uses the Debit button, everyone just presses Credit. Why does it matter anyway? Sounds like a wasted button to me.

- There’s no restaurant that needs a sign makeover worse than Arby’s, that hat is an old, creepy turnoff.

- I once shot a squirrel and killed it, I felt really bad afterwards. It sounded like a good idea beforehand, but as soon as I hit it and it died I felt really sad.

- It’d be really nice if they’d invent heated roads, although it’s not practical whatsoever.

- Why is the national spelling bee on ESPN? And is there any practical use for a single word on there in any cultural situation?

- What’s the difference between a bumble bee and a bee?

Many more to follow, feel free to share some of your own.

Jorl