A Not So Ironic Plethora of Thoughts 2020 Style

                                      

- You know that moment when you're listening to a podcast on your phone and someone calls you, interrupting your podcast and then once you're done with the call your phone just spins and takes forever to resume playing the podcast?  Yep, I hate that moment. 

- There’s always such hope when opening a new bottle of syrup that it won’t drip down the sides and become all sorts of a sticky mess, only to inevitably end up goobering itself all the way down top to bottom no matter how much effort is put forth into keeping it clean. 

- Kids toys have two volume settings: Loud and LOUDER

- Great Clips has gotten incredibly good about guilting humans who don't check in online first:  Scenario#1- Human walks in, asked instantly by employee, "Welcome to Great Clips, did you check-in online?"  Human replies, "Yes, my name is (insert name here)..." etc.... This human is looked upon favorably by said Great Clips employees. 
Scenario #2- Human walks in, asked instantly by employee, "Welcome to Great Clips, did you check-in online?" Human replies, "No."  This human is not looked upon favorably by said Great Clips employees.  The following sequence of events with said humans usually involves extreme guilt and a demeaning tone and is often replied to with, "Well, we're looking at 40-50 minutes of a wait" even though no other humans are present in the store, only names on a screen.  Thankfully, I'm not one of those humans/lesser beings.

- Things I hate: Freezing rain, dark chocolate and arriving to the Pizza Ranch buffet, always with such excitement, only to find myself waiting "6-8 minutes" for the pizza that I really want to eat, but filling myself with mediocre-at-best pizza in the meantime, only to be just marginally hungry when the pizza I really want comes out.  #firstworldproblems

- Elf on the Shelf post-Christmas PTSD.  Waking up with nightmares of did-I-forget-to-move-the-elf-oh-wait-it's-January.  Yep, it's a real thing. 

- For my next invention, I'd like to invent Pre-VR.  This would involve being able to watch a program before it actually airs.  For instance, I'm an early to bed, early to rise kinda guy, but there are just some shows and sports that are on past this old guy's bedtime.  So instead, being able to watch the show or game before its normal air time would be fabulous.  Yep, Pre-VR.  Let's make it happen. 

- Is there anything more unpleasant than the jarring and startling noise a toaster makes when it pops up?  It's so abrupt and violent, especially given that it's usually used early in the morning when loud noises are all sorts of annoying.  How about some soft music instead building to a climax right as my toast pops up before I slap some PB on it.  I mean yep, seriously. 

- Typical QDoba ordering scenario:

QDoba Employee (usually age 11 or younger)- "What can I get started for ya?"

Me- "Steak Queso Burrito" (Yep, 3 whole words to remember, describing multiple action steps on their part)

QDoba Employee asks what type of tortilla, steams the tortilla then asks, "What kind of meat?"

Me, repeating again, "Steak.  White rice.  Black Beans." (Me knowing the next questions they'll ask, so just saying the next couple of steps for them).

QDoba Employee adds the steak, then asks, "What kind of rice?  What kind of beans?"

Me- "White rice, black beans."

QDoba Employee- "Queso?"

Me- "Yep, regular queso" (even though I referred to this in the first step of ordering)

QDoba Employee- "Salsa?"

Me- "Yep, hot salsa, cheese and sour cream" (me also just shortening the process since I know the next question they'll ask).

QDoba Employee adds the salsa, then asks, "you said lettuce too, right?"  

Yep, gotta love those distracted millenials.  

Fresh Dose of An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

• Most important things in life:
• God/Faith
• Family
• Making sure to put the recycle bin out the week after Christmas #boxplethora
• I am no longer in the dating world, but if I still was my profile would certainly list something like: “Seeking- someone who updates their smart phone apps regularly.”
• Somehow as technology advances further and further, it takes longer and longer for a high definition television to turn on.
• One of my favorite things in life is how quickly Google’s 2-step verification text message comes through to your phone after trying to login to a new computer and typing in your password. Sometimes it almost feels like it sends before you even click the button.  I actually just do this out of pure amusement sometimes.
• There's the pressure/nerves of speaking in front of large groups.  Then there's the pressure/nerves of coming down the stretch of the last few holes in golf playing match play.  Then there's the pressure/nerves of standing in the Qdoba line and ordering for your entire family.  This takes stress to a whole new level. 
• I was in a gas station the other day looking for a standard Reese's candy bar.  1 hour and 15 minutes later after being blinded by orange in every direction and sifting through the 432 different kinds of Reese's I found it.  I'm happy to say that this is one of the most proud accomplishments of 2018. 

An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts 2018 Style

• Someone please explain to me why exit row seats don't recline on planes. If anything, you think they'd be able to recline more, you know, in case of a real emergency.
• Can cell phones get STDs from those public charging stations at the airport?  I mean, that's a lot of daily public insertion going on there.
• During Christmas time, would it be unreasonable to ask the Salvation Army to give me an "I already gave that other dude money" slip when I donate on the way in?  That way I can give it to the other guy on my way out and avoid the Scrooge-like eye contact going on there otherwise.
• Do you think that auto repair shops cheer when they hear about car accidents on the radio so they can get more business?   Local traffic report- "Accident on I-29 Southbound near the 41st St Exit..."  Repair Shop-"YES!! (high fives)"
• It's actually been scientifically proven that there are more crumbs in a single toaster than there are grains of  sand on every single beach in the world.
• I love shopping at my local Ace Hardware, but the receipt printer that they use is archaic beyond belief and literally adds 4-6 seconds to every shopping trip.  Like incredibly long awkward pause-like between me and the cashier.  Ok, I realize 4-6 seconds isn't that big of a deal, but actually the real issue is that with free popcorn just 5 steps away, that's a LONG time to wait to start devouring my free bag of freshly popped kernels.
• My favorite thing about Christmas trees is the off-the-deck "get out of here you sticky, sappy thing" throw after it so warmly gave its last month of life being the center of our living room's Christmas spirit.
• I wish somebody would tell Google that when I check the box, "Don't ask for codes again on this computer" it would mean precisely that, instead of, "Always ask for codes on this computer."  Come on, Google. 
• The dental center that I go to sent me two emails, two texts and one "courtesy" phone call to remind me of my upcoming regular check-up.  It's amazing, but I still remembered to go on the right day and time.
• In 8th grade, my friend had a watch that he could tune like a universal remote to basically any tv, so in our History class he set it to that tv's frequency and kept turning the tv on randomly throughout class, much to the teacher's dismay.  It was fabulously hilarious. Funny how technology from nearly a quarter century ago could be so fun.
• Either granola bars and kudos are getting smaller, or I'm still getting bigger. Maybe both. Either way, I swear one of these days I'll open one of those wrappers up and there'll be nothing in it.

An Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

• Gotta love when you fill up with gas and pay at the pump and just get absolutely hammered with questions: Would you like a car wash? Y/N   Would you like a receipt?  Y/N    Do you have a points card?  Y/N   Would you like for me to shut up and stop asking you questions so that you can just freaking fill up and get the hell out of here?  Y
  
• In the history of airport parking, it’s actually been confirmed that no human ever has gotten one of those front row spots.  I’m pretty sure that God planted cars there at the beginning of time.  Either that or the people that parked there flew away and never came back.  
• I’m not afraid to change clocks to the right time anywhere that I am.
• Shouldn’t those annoying microwave beeps be a thing of the past by now?  I mean it’s 2016 for goodness sakes, I want some microwave ringtones man.
• In the next several years, it is quite possible that it’ll require taking out a second mortgage to be able to pay for a large pizza at Godfather’s “menu price.”
  
• How is it that when kids play with the remote control they seem to find buttons that don’t exist?
• A cow would eat itself, right?  I mean no way it’d turn down a steaming hot cheeseburger.  And no freaking way that a pig doesn’t seriously chomp on some bacon.
• Sometimes if the checkout clerk at HyVee gets going too fast for my comfort level in taking items out of my shopping cart, I’ll pull out the fruits and veggies so that they have to weigh them and slow down.  Take that overly fast checkout helper person, I like to checkout at my own pace.
• I wonder in the history of planet Earth if anyone has ever ordered anything off of the HuHot menu.  #EndlessBuffet
• Directv recently told me that my remote control batteries were low by prompting me on the screen with options of “Ok or More Info.”  What “More Info” could I possibly need to know?

Long Overdue Not So Ironic Plethora of Thoughts

-        Burger King consistently gives me 1 ketchup packet for my entire thing of fries, while Taco Johns consistently gives me 5 salsas for my 1 burrito.  Gotta love it.

-        One of my friends recently switched from an iPhone to a non-Apple device.  My iPhone kept trying to send the blue iPhone-to-iPhone texts for weeks, before finally letting go and switching to green.  It was like a long-term relationship that it just couldn’t let go of.  It was kinda sweet.

-        So when are airports going to have dudes for hire to sit by my luggage so I don’t have to lug it all the way into the bathroom while I go pee?

-        Gotta love when there’s a cop who has pulled someone over on the side of the road, where they leave their police car purposely just a couple feet stuck out into the far right lane just to be an ass.

-       -I always stop the microwave with 1 second to go, just so I don’t have to hear it beep 48 times letting me know how proud it is of finishing.

-       Directv started sending me its “complimentary” newsletter.  Yeah, that’s right, it better be “complimentary” when I’m paying those smug bastards $95 per month. Oh and btw, that's enough Rob Lowe commercials already, Jesus. 

-      I have broken exactly 100% of the chip clips that I have ever used.

-       Until very recently, I thought all Family Feud episodes were reruns from the ‘90s.  Apparently the ones with that Steve Harvey dude are new, so either they use a low quality camera when filming or the people that they select to be on the show are just plain weird, but seriously, watch it and tell me that it doesn’t make you think you’re straight back a couple decades ago.

-        Wheel of Fortune has a very loud and noticeable sound effect for the Bankrupt spot on the wheel, but yet Lose A Turn has an awkward silence with no sound effect.  Damnit Pat + Vanna, I want some answers. 

-        Way back in 1930/1931, the Empire State Building took just 11 months to build from start to finish, yet it takes like 2 years to fix a couple mile stretch of an interstate.  Go figure that one out.

An Overdue Dosage of Not So Ironic Randomness

- You know, whether you're rich, poor or anything in between, it always sucks when you get ketchup on your pants.

- Bought something from Walgreens the other day and the clerk at the cash register was super friendly, that is until I rejected the offer of taking my receipt, which for one reason or another got me the evil eye. Good thing I paid in cash.

- One of these days I want to back out of a carwash just to see what happens.

- I know one of these times that I arrive at the gym that I will have forgotten to put on shorts underneath my sweatpants, which of course I wouldn't find out until I had already pulled down my sweatpants quickly to begin working out (not inside the locker room but the small lockers out in the open).  That's never happened before, no, never.

- Why exactly is weather.com starting to give me non-weather related stories?  The other day there was this story on there about some man and a whale and then some totally other unrelated world landmark story.  You already badly suck at predicting the weather, I suggest focusing on getting one thing right first before you branch off into other topics that nobody cares about.

- Even though nothing about the ice storm that crushed our city of Sioux Falls this April was funny, I find myself continually laughing at this photo of this truck picking up our limbs and scraps from our tree damage.  Trying to think of other usages for a big dump-type like truck with a huge mechanical arm and claws sticking out of it.  Then again, it would be kind of a cool ride...

A Fresh Batch of Not So Ironic Hilarity

-        You know, it’d be a lot easier to sleep on airplanes if they were always pointed up.

-        Never trust a toaster

-        If I’m currently friends with you and you don’t simply reserve your Redbox movies ahead of time online and instead opt to waste everyone’s time by browsing aimlessly there at the kiosk where those of us prudent ones await upon your indecisiveness, consider me an angry acquaintance of yours at best from here forward.

-        I don’t care what the laws of physics say, nearly two 2 liters of pop (3.785 liters to be precise) just plain can’t fit into a one gallon jug. 

-        I swear my printer takes its sweet time on purpose just to be a smarmy jerk the time after I turn it off “inappropriately.”

-        Always find it funny how other than those TI-85 clunky graphing calculators that we used in school, nearly no calculator out there has an off key.  Guarantee that hey-I’ll-just-wait-here-for-about-three-minutes-before-I-turn-off—yep-don’t-worry-about-me—I’m-good zero gets lonely sometimes.

-        We all certainly enjoy “the Big O” if you know what I mean, but I find it more than a little odd that about every other ad I hear on Pandora is for Adam + Eve’s sex kits.  Perhaps Mumford + Son’s is more deviant than I think…   #desperatemarketingefforts

-        Anyone else getting overly annoyed at the constant BREAKING NOW top red bar on Weather.com?  Sorry folks, I just don’t think that Winter Storm Gandolf in Idaho is worthy of breaking news screaming constantly in my face while I simply try and check the temperature outside.

-        Wanna sound more sophisticated in your texts or on social media?  Use “haha” instead of “LOL,” it’ll instantly upgrade your IQ and social status.

-        As if it isn’t painful enough that most damn hotel room tv’s always default back to some random, fuzzy hotel info channel after turning them off, why does the volume have to mysteriously creep up 3 fold after turning it back on as well?

-        When I was younger, my Dad one time ordered 30 or so cheeseburgers for our baseball team from McDonald’s.  He went in to the restaurant to order by himself, and after the order was placed, the employee asked if “that’d be for here or to go.”  Funny how stuck-in-a-routine our brains get sometimes before we speak. #thenagainitwasaMcDonaldsemployee #someginormoustruckerdudehasprobablyeatenthatmanyhimselfbeforeanyway

For some further random hilarity and bold analysis for the golfing type, be sure to visit my 4 Deep Golf blog.