Insatiable Appetite For A Plethora of Non-Irony

-I feel like the military should've been able to invent team bullets by now.

- The other day I drove thru an intersection that had a sign that said, "U-Turn permitted". I wanted to leave a note on it that said, "Thanks. Trust us, we'd just do this with no sign anyway."

- I wonder if coins get secretly really happy when you accidentally leave them in your pockets and they go thru the wash. Think they'd get mad if you told them it was just an accident?

- My two least favorite iPhone auto-corrects are "wools" and "Sid" when I'm trying to type "woops" and "sis". I'd like to know the last time anyone intentionally tried to type wools. And yep, pretty sure I don't know anyone named Sid.

- There’s a guy who now works at Subway, whom previously worked at Quizno’s, whom previously worked at another local sandwich shop before that.  He seems to be some type of sandwich shop employee whore, but at least now he can update his Facebook profile occupation to read, “artist.”

- I always find it funny when restaurants or other businesses feel like they have to explain why they're closing early on a holiday "so employees can spend the holiday with their families."  Trust us, we’ve assumed this this already.  Since it’s just assumed, always thought it'd be funny if they posted something other than the family thing, like- “We’ll be closed on Wednesday, July 4^th so that our employees can go blow some sh*t up.”

- I'm not sure if it's intended to be funny, but National American University's website being www.onedayonenight.com is just downright hilarious.

- I still think receipt could get by without needing a p. 

- I hate those perpetual goosebags who always hog the impossible to find and overly scarce plug-ins at every airport.  

Random and Arbitrary Goofhouse-iness

• I think the security team plus all grocery store employees secretly laugh every time that you are driving up and down lane after lane in the lot frantically looking for a space to park…and then you come up on what you think is a space because there’s no backend to a car there…wait I think I found one……ugh, it’s just the cart corral. Smug bastards.
• Isn’t it funny how eating candy from a box at a movie theatre seems normal, yet if you were eating boxed candy anywhere else you’d be eligible to park in handicap spaces?
• I don't think I could draw a quality ampersand even while staring directly at the keyboard.
• For some horrendously bad reason I used to wear socks with sandals in high school and college.  It literally has ruined every summer picture from my high school and college lifetime.  I'm contemplating photo-shopping the socks out of every single freaking photo. They should create an app for that: used-to-wear-socks-with-sandals-ruined-every-picture-of-my-childhood-bailout-photo-recovery-app
• One of the most stressful moments in a human’s lifetime is when you’re up at the checkout counter at the grocery store and you last second realize that you forgot one important thing. So, you quick run back through the store to grab the item, but on the way there you bump into someone that you haven’t seen in a while.  It's truly one of the most annoying and awkward moments in the life of a human being as you try and catch up with them politely but also tell them to get the hell out of your face as you scream your way back to the checkout aisle before some random shelve-stocker kid begins returning your items that you worked overly hard to gather for purchase.  Phew, that wore me out just typing all of that.
• Isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to tell when a person from the U.S. is nervous while speaking simply by the quivering of their voice and the tones of their words?  On the other hand, when someone with a foreign accent is speaking, you have no clue if they’re nervous or not.  You can always just attribute anything to the accent.  It’s like this free shield that they get just for being foreign. 
• The other day I was filling a fountain pop at a machine with “no free refills” while standing next to a cop.  I definitely thought twice about taking a quick free sip and then refilling back to the top before I purchased.
• Isn't it funny how after sitting for hours and hours on a plane or in a car ride that after you get where you're going the only that you want to do is sit down when you get there?

A New Year, and a Continued Plethora of Nonsense

- Why is it still called a glove compartment?  Has anyone actually ever put gloves in there?   And if so, you're weird and I don't want to be in the car with you anyway.  Naming it the car manual/chapstick/crumpled  napkins compartment would be more fitting.

-  Considering I hit "No" 99% of the time for “Would You Like A Car Wash” when pumping gas, I wonder how surprised the gas machine is when I do actually hit yes. Sometimes I'm almost expecting some sort of sarcastic message to display, like "Are you serious? Do you really want one or did you just hit the wrong button just to tease me?”

- I always laugh when HuHot brings out menus. Why even have a menu?  The cranky car wash button and the world-hates-me HuHot menu guys should hang out.

-  Ok, so speaking of car washes, I've never been to a car wash where the Code Entry system volume wasn't overly loud. Yes, I know that my car wash package INCLUDES THE UNDERBODY WASH AND THE DRYER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- Why does canceled/cancelled get to be spelled two different ways with neither getting caught by spell check? Quit being so indecisive.

- I would have to say that as a percentage of bathrooms to people, grocery stores are by far the worst.  Not only is there only one, they’re hard to find and are usually tucked back in some meatloaf only type area. 

- The number of bags that Panera serves per takeout order is completely excessive.  I’m sorry, but my wife’s potato soup and apple doesn’t need to go in a separate bag than my Chipotle Chicken, in a separate bag from our cookie, which then is all bagged within one massive bag.  Whew, I’m tired just from typing that.  Panera used 60 million paper bags last year and served 12 million people. Ok, I made up those numbers, but the ratios seem about right.

- Isn't it funny how if you actually started calling certain branded necessities by their non-branded names how you'd instantly sound like an ultra-weird goose to others? Yes, I'd like a facial tissue (Kleenex) and some lip balm (Chapstick) please. And while you're at it grab me an adhesive strip (Band-Aid) for my owie. 

- Isn’t it rather strange that the Taco Bell bell and the Apple iPhone ringer on/off-vibrate bell are exactly the same wimpy looking bell?  I bet that’s the first time that Taco Bell and the iPhone have ever been mentioned in the same sentence. 

- I wonder how many more hair club memberships are sold because they advertise that you'll receive your membership info in a "discreet" envelope. Shhhhhh, nobody knows that you're bald.

- Do they still call it continental breakfast in Alaska + Hawaii?